The moment I had decided to stop dancing was bittersweet. I still remember the night I sat down at the dinner table with my parents and told them, ‘I have decided I don’t want to dance anymore.’ I started crying, and had no idea why I was reacting this way, I was ecstatic about this new direction! But it was only natural to have this kind of reaction. I was saying good-bye to something that had consumed my life for the past 14 years.
There were many things leading up to this moment, however there was one particular day in which I was able to put those feelings into words.
With a lack of experience in anything outside of the dance world I began to volunteer at as many places as I possibly could. Early in the morning on a monthly basis I was handing out coffee and sandwiches to the homeless and less fortunate within Brisbane CBD. I got to hear so many incredible and heartbreaking stories as well as make friends with these people that for most of my life, I had no inclination that they even existed. It was a whole different world out there.
I caught up with an old dance friend after one of these days. She spoke about all the gossip and news that was occurring where I had danced previously and I was amazed how the inequalities that I had known where always there appeared to me as she spoke. I didn't see them the same anymore. I had a new lens, and I didn't appreciate the things I was hearing. I was torn between the love I held for the art of dance, and the toxic realities of what my friend spoke about. That was when I realised that I wanted to do something more. Something that would make an impact on people's lives. And so was the beginning where I discovered my heart for serving people, especially to those that (in society's eyes), were told they were not good enough.
After much research into where and how I would be able to pursue this new passion, the following year I commenced my first of three years studying a Bachelor of Human Services. Never in a million years would my 17-year-old self had thought I would EVER study at university.
Going to university was a bit like voyaging out onto uncharted waters. I had absolutely no clue what I was doing, school seemed so long ago that I felt as though I was learning everything for the first time. Previously, I was simply trying to make it through and finish school. Dance was my entire life. My sole priority and focus, the only goal or outcome I had ever envisioned. But now I was actually trying to do WELL in my studies. A whole new shift in priorities.
There were definitely days where it felt as though I had wasted a lot of my time training in dance, because how was perfecting a tendu supposed to help my career in the human services field? Not many homeless people can hold a conversation about ballet for a long time. Even simple tasks I had to learn to endure, such as sitting in a chair for a 3 hour lecture - that's not fun for anybody let alone an individual that had danced her entire life! I had to get used to so many new things. My conversations no longer revolved around ballet steps or sore muscles. I was also learning to express and process my emotions vocally, rather than just dancing out the frustration. Maintaining my fitness looked completely different. I couldn’t even give the reason for not attending events because ‘I had dancing’ anymore. All of a sudden, I had a huge amount of free time to fill, and was kind of learning how to be a 'normal' human too.
In the beginning it was easy to look at it all in the way of what I was losing or leaving behind rather than what I was gaining, or opportunities that I could participate in. But what a life I gained. I had been so accustomed to the way the dance life was constructed that I had no idea in how many or which ways it was constricting me, or how many possibilities there were beyond it! I was able to actually ENJOY the meal I was sharing with my family without counting the calories in each item of food. I was able to embrace the ‘now’ more than I had ever been able to before in my life. It was a whole new world, and I was loving it!
Reflecting back, it could be so easy to list off the ways in which the dance industry burdened or tarnished me (and I know I'm not the only one), but to acknowledge the bad means to acknowledge the good as well, because there is always both present. Dancing, blessed me with so much, that I am even still discovering things today. If it wasn’t for dancing I would not have the same level of resilience and determination that I have today. I know what it's like to work in a team, and learning new things everyday means I am a quick learner. Those are lifelong qualities that will benefit me wherever I go.
It wasn't an easy transition, but I knew that it was a healthy move for me. At first it seemed as though I knew nothing, and there was definitely a lot I had to learn, but remembering what brought me there in the first place is the biggest motivator I could have ever asked for. The person I am today is because of all the paths of life I have walked previously, and I would not change that for the world.
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