I took a deep dive into my inbox the other week.
It was a funny, weird and nostalgic trip down memory lane and I stumbled upon all the emails from my time over in Europe auditioning for companies.
I knew I did lots of auditions but I completely forgot the sheer volume and range of countries I travelled to in search of a job in a ballet company. And that was just the companies that responded to me, not the emails I wrote asking for private auditions or if they would allow me to participate in an open class.
And we all know there was plenty of those.
Then I found an email, offering me a position with their small company.
Not as a company member, but they saw my potential and wanted me to join as a trainee, to pay to study, take classes, participate in company performances with the hope (but not guarantee) that I would then go on to become a company member.
I remember so clearly the feelings that I had the time I received and first read that email. Initially, so much excitement, it was the first time I had actually received feedback and an offer!
And then came a huge drop in my stomach.
They wanted me to pay.
I had saved up and travelled to London for the next two years in the hope to find a job while I lived there. Funds were depleting quickly because, we all know how expensive London is. I couldn’t even secure a job in hospitality selling sandwiches from a cart because everyone else had ‘more experience than me’ ….. (story of a dancers life, no?)
So I had no money or was on my last few dollars and this company wanted me, but they wanted me to pay to dance with them.
As soon as I read this I was immediately turned off. I knew this wasn’t an option. I needed a job, not a scholarship. I had just completed my pre-professional year back in Australia. I was ready for employment.
Don’t get me wrong, I was more than happy to start at the bottom of a company. To learn and build my experience and climb up the ranks, but I knew that I wasn’t okay with paying more money for ‘experience’.
My parents had already poured an immense amount of money into my years of training (bless them!) and well with my sandwich cart dreams crushed, there wasn’t a lot of promise bringing in funds myself.
But I also knew that I was worth more than that, and I was ready for more than that.
So I declined.
I returned to Australia a month later and I began on a completely different career path and I didn’t look back.
Until the other day.
So when I came across that email a few weeks ago I was so surprised to be hit with such a wave of regret. I began to ask myself...
Had I made a mistake by not taking this opportunity?
Could I have actually taken my dancing career somewhere if I had stuck this out, swallowed my pride, paid to be a trainee in a small company and maybe, MAYBE go on to be a company dancer?
Maybe then I would have had some experience to apply for another company and move on elsewhere?
I went into a downwards spiral of questioning if I had made a huge mistake by not accepting what I was offered.
But I caught myself for a brief second and looked around, at my home, in Australia, with my family, and all the experiences I had been a part of and the people I had met, the things I have learned over these 6 years.
None of that wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t have chosen to decline that offer, that had never really felt right to accept in the first place.
And so I took a moment to be so grateful for that crossroads.
That I decided to not just take something because it was the only thing that I was being offered. That I didn’t settle. That I knew what I came to get, and I stuck to it. Even if it didn't eventuate into what I was hoping it would be.
Only you know what you’re worth. And in the unfortunate times we are still in, where lots of us are approached or asked to do things for the 'exposure', I get it.
I get it if you decide to do it, because it seems like it’s the only way forward.
I get it if you decide to not do it, because you know what you want and deserve more than settling for something less than.
I know what it’s like to be in that stage where you just need a job, any job, and are literally putting all your pointe shoes into one basket.
I know what it’s like to give up that one opportunity that might have taken you closer to your dream career as a dancer.
It’s normal to question if you made the right decision, and there’s no way to tell where that different path might have taken you.
But you chose this one that you are on for a reason.
And please don’t tell yourself that you took the easy way out.
None of this, is easy.
You are making the very best out of a tricky, brilliant and unforgiving career path, with all the tools you have access to right now.
And so here is your permission to feel okay, to feel great, to feel proud about what you have decided or will decide to do with your dance journey.
There is no one right way to do it. And there's no hand book. But you have the power.
You know what is right for you, so please don't question it.
It can be a hard time to navigate though, that is for sure.
And it is natural to want some confirmation, guidance, a place to air out all your concerns to someone before you take the leap towards a new path.
The best part is, there are those spaces.
Dance Care Australia is one of those.
A space that is not here to judge you or tell you what to do. But a safe space that will be whatever you need in order to feel comfortable, empowered, supported and confident through your dance journey.
I wish I had that. Because although I was certain that the trainee position wasn't for me, there were so many doubts running around in my head, and they were loud. And it took a while to trust in myself and the decision that I had made.
You deserve the same. And you deserve to find that confidence and assurance sooner rather than later.
If you feel like this is something that you are desiring. A space to explore your dance career journey and all of its uncertainties and struggles. You can enquire for a 30 minute initial consultation for FREE. On zoom, in person, over the phone, whichever is most convenient for you. We'll spend some time getting to know each other and talk about what it is that you want to focus on, what you need, how you want to be supported and go from there.
Head over to our services page and book one now, or shoot me a contact form and I will get back to you ASAP!
You are doing great dancer! Keep going, keep dancing!
Caitlin
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