I had wide hips, a short body, cellulite on my bum and was the only girl that seemed to have developed in their chest. I spent hours every day striving to change or cover up these ‘imperfections’ when I walked into the dance studio or looked at myself in the mirror.
Now I DEFINITELY wasn’t a big girl (man, I look back at photos now and I’m like ‘WOAH! I used to be teenie tiny!’), but there were aspects about my body that never seemed to be good enough.
No one ever really said to me that I needed to change anything about my body. My mind was the worst and most powerful critic, and thoughts about not liking my body or how my body needed to change consumed me.
Because I was so self-conscious about my physical appearance, I ended up taking drastic measures in order to be more satisfied and successful. I don't need to talk about what those were but they weren’t necessarily the most intelligent, nor were they maintainable. I would frequently be annoyed at myself, and others, nothing was ever good enough and I was extremely unhappy on the inside. I didn’t like who I was at all.
Now maybe you don’t really know what this is like, but I know that there are some of you who have been there before or are in the same kind of mindset right now. It seems like there’s no other alternative and that if you’re going to make it in this world, then these are just some things you’re going to have to do. Now I cannot say this loud enough but THAT. IS. A. LIE.
It’s difficult for us dancers to not critique our bodies, because they are our instruments. They are our tools for our profession. Our canvas. Our paintbrush. Our voice. Our microphone. And there’s no way we can avoid analysing it if we want to improve. It’s also difficult when we get to the stage where we are auditioning for companies or casting for the next production, and directors want a very specific type of body or person. It appears like we are given an ultimatum. Either don’t get the part or the job, or try and fit ourselves into the directors ‘ideal’. So what are we supposed to do?!
For me, it all just became too much. If you’ve read previous blog posts, you would already know that I stopped dancing all together. And truly, it was the best thing I could have done for my mind, my body and my family's sanity! Leaving dancing altogether is not very helpful advice for all you dancers out there I know.. But in this process of separating myself, my body, from dancing allowed me to see a whole new light and perspective upon my own happiness, acceptance, my physical appearance and what it meant to ME to be ‘healthy’. And so here are the things I learnt that helped me love my body:
Your body is UNIQUE. It is not meant to look like the girl next to you on the barre. It functions differently and looks different in its OWN SPECIAL way. It is a GIFT that no one else has, NOT a curse or an imperfection.
That there is soooo much more to living on this planet than looking in the mirror everyday or cramming in star jumps before bedtime. Life here is meant to be ENJOYED and CONSUMED, not loathed and restricted.
Our bodies are AMAZING. There is so much that goes on inside of us that we don’t have to even think about to simply keep us alive. And if you ask me, I’m pretty darn grateful for that!
Our bodies are FOR US, not against us. Like the point above, our bodies are doing so much more for us than we could ever fathom, and they do that for our own GOOD.
When you give yourself FREEDOM, you can find love, acceptance and grace. When I was able to look at the three chocolate biscuits I ate for afternoon tea WITHOUT criticising myself or counteracting the calories with sit ups I, 1) was HAPPIER, 2) could see that my body was totally A-OKAY and 3) actually found myself making better choices because I WANTED to love myself, not because I was punishing myself.
But ultimately, I learnt that the shape you currently are, have been or are going to be is COMPLETELY and UTTERLY okay, and not only is it more than okay, it is exceptional and wonderful and beautiful.
Now I don’t believe that you need to stop dancing to find the mindset and these truths that I did. And I’m not saying that this will be a quick fix. Just this week my husband and I were taking some fun photos for our first wedding anniversary. As I was looking back at the photos I began criticising myself, wishing I had placed my chin this way instead that way because my neck would have looked better, but then I stopped myself. I zoomed out on the camera and looked at the picture as a whole. This was a beautiful picture. Taking the pictures were so fun and I did it with a special person celebrating a special day. Yet, here I was upset with how my chin was placed. That’s where I chose to stop and ENJOY and CELEBRATE and say to myself, ‘Actually, this is amazing, and beautiful, and that’s it.’
So, you can take these points I discovered in my journey, but I also encourage you to go right ahead and develop your own and say them to yourself EVERY. DAY. Say them over and over until you believe them. Say them when others criticise you. Say them when you criticise yourself. Say them when you’re even on top of the world, and couldn’t be happier with your body in the current moment. CELEBRATE YOUR BODY! Because it deserves to be celebrated. All of the time.
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